Drawing lines in the sand...

...thinking about boundaries, both good and bad.

I screwed up in high school. 9th grade year. Disappointed my parents, terribly, with a bottle of Jack on a Sunday morning. I thought I learned my lesson, but a year later, friends and I lied and had a coed sleepover (no alcohol), but busted again...more disappointment. I knew I walked a fine line with my folks before I graduated.

Then I became a teacher. I began drawing the lines myself and thinking, more confusingly, about the difficult parameters adults must take with youth to prepare them for the communities they will one day inherit. If you're too strict and unapproachable, you're like to alienate them and put them off. If you are too lenient and friendly, you're likely to mislead them about consequences. It's tricky business.

I'm working with freshmyn in college once again. I know as a high school teacher the proverbial carrot  hung over the heads of seniors was, "This is good for you...you will need to be self-disciplined in college and once you're there, no one will care about your drama. You simply must do the work."

Now I teach college, though. The revelation came quickly that I have to care, I have to be flexible, and I also need to be a hard-ass. Lines need to be drawn in the sand because it is good for human nature. This is what I want. This is what I said. Follow the instructions. Get on top of your game. Even so, the kids don't necessarily come with any grasp of what working hard feels like. They just think they do.

Freshmen don't always give you what you expected, don't listen to what you said, and have difficulty following instructions. To get on top of their game they still need mentorship and, well, teaching. The trick becomes, though, "How much support do you give when they're crossing that line?"

I am thinking seriously about this because I have taught over 600 students and many of them, for better or worse, are friends with me on Facebook. There were many my colleagues and I pampered because of the soft places in our heart, the pressure of their parents, and/or the mere fact we simply wanted them out of our hair. But such students get older. They get in relationships. They create debt. They bring children into the world and they fail to function like contributors to society. Instead, they continue to take and blame others for their life choices and don't work to earn their keep. I begin to think, "Hmmmm, maybe second chances for kids are never the right choice. What happens if, in their future, they continue to choose wrong? Don't we have a responsibility to stop the bad behaviors when they're young?"

I think yes. It worked for me and if I didn't err, I wouldn't have rectified my ways.

I also think, no. We can never understand the complete world of students and what actually might be going on. They need role models and people to help them process the complicated world, especially when that fork splits and they begin to choose the path of stupidity. We should step in and call it what it is. Stupid.

This thinking reminds me of a research paper written by Quartez Smith in 2004. He was studying altruism and wondered, "How selfish is the act of providing kindness to others?" He asked this, because he had several people go out of their way to provide him with chances, but he wrestled with how good this is. His thinking, if others always come to the rescue, then when will I have the maturity to rescue myself? I don't remember the grade on that high school work, but I remember the sincerity in which it was written. It's a good question...mature for the age. I also remember he quickly became a better man of integrity.

My point for this post?

Lines need to be drawn, but it's never as easy as drawing them. Tough love is real love, but when it is excessively tough, it is somewhat abusive. The middle path, as always, is the best answer.